God is sworn in as the first witness for the prosecution.
Court clerk, “Place your left hand on the Bible and raise your right hand .”
God, “Is this the Old Testament or the New Testament?”
Court clerk, “The Old Testament; sometimes we swear in witnesses who aren't Catholic.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you, You?”
God, “I do.”
Prosecuting Attorney, “Please state your name and occupation.”
God, “I'm God. That's my occupation.”
Prosecuting Attorney, “Would you please tell the jury when this original sin occurred.”
God, “Yes. It happened very late on the sixth day.”
Prosecuting Attorney, “How do you recall the exact time?”
God, “Starting from the first day I was busy creating things and then early on the sixth day I brought forth all the living creatures, cattle and creeping things and all the rest of the animals that creepeth upon the earth. I saw that was good so I created man in my image including male and female. The man was named Adam. I gave him the task of naming all the animals and creeping things which pretty much took most of the day.”
Prosecuting Attorney, “Please tell us about the sin.”
God, “I put the man and woman in the Garden of Eden. I told them they could eat anything in the garden except the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. I even warned them that if they did they would die. But did they listen to me? “Hell no! The first thing they did was eat an apple from that tree.”
Prosecuting Attorney, “Thank you.” The prosecuting attorney continued, “I have no more questions of this witness.”
The Defense Attorney approached the witness. “I have just a few questions. I’ll try to make this as brief as possible.”
God, “I would prefer you ask your questions of the various priests, ministers, reverends, bishops and other representatives I have all over the world.”
Defense Attorney, “I’m sure you would, that’s part of the problem. Everybody seems to have a slightly different version of what happened. That’s why hearsay evidence is not admissible.”
God, “Okay, let’s proceed.”
Defense Attorney, “You say you're God and you've been doing this work for 10,000 years. What did you do before you began this career?"
God, "Actually nothing. I didn't exist before then."
Defense Attorney, “Where did you come from?"
God, "I have no idea."
Defense Attorney, “Was the Garden of Eden a beautiful place with all kinds of wonderful food for Adam and Eve to eat?”
God, “Yes, they had a choice of every kind of food in the world available to them in the garden.”
Defense Attorney, “If you were babysitting for some children in your house and you told them they could eat anything they could find in the kitchen but they were not to touch the cookies in that red cookie jar on the shelf what do you think the children would do?”
Prosecuting Attorney, “Objection, speculative.”
Defense Attorney, “I’ll rephrase that. Did you expect Adam and Eve to eat that Apple despite your warning?”
God, “No. I expected them to obey me. After all, I’m God.”
Defense attorney, “What about your divine plan? Didn't you design the universe exactly as you wanted it to be with it's complete future built into the design? Don’t you know everything that’s going to happen forever?”
God, “Well, yes I guess so. I just wasn’t thinking about it at the time.”
Defense attorney, “So you pointed out the tree that they didn’t know about before, and told them not to eat from it even though you knew they would because it was part of your divine plan. They actually didn’t have any choice in the matter did they?
God, “No, I guess not.”
Defense attorney, “You guess not? Since it was all part of your divine plan they were destined to eat the apple. But tell us this. Did you actually see them eat the apple?”
God, "I don't remember exactly."
Defense attorney, "You don't remember exactly? You're God. You're supposed to know everything. Besides, we have your written account of the affair in your book in the part called Genesis. Do we have to have the court clerk read that back to you to refresh your memory?"
God shakes his head from side to side.
Defense attorney, “We need an actual verbal response from you. The court stenographer has to hear the words. Did you actually see them eat the apple?”
Defense attorney, “Please speak a little louder so the jury can hear you.”
The defense attorney took a couple of steps toward the jury box and turned to face God. “Let’s make this picture easy for the jury to understand. Can you tell us what it says in Genesis ?”
“Of course it’s my book.”
“Please recite that to the court.”
“It says, Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”
“Is it your testimony that Adam and his wife were naked as were all the other animals you put in the Garden of Eden?”
Defense attorney, “Then how can you be sure they actually ate the apple?”
Defense attorney, “Then you are testifying that up to the time they ate the apple Adam and Eve did not know the difference between good and evil. Is that correct?”
God, “That’s right. There is no way around that. The only way they could have acquired the knowledge of good and evil was by eating that apple.”
“Can you also quote Genesis 3:7 for us please?”
“Yes. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.”
“You claim they gained wisdom from eating the fruit and that wisdom told them that being naked was a bad thing. You testified a moment ago that they were naked and not ashamed. All the other pairs of animals in the garden were also naked. You made them all that way. Why would Adam and Eve suddenly think that being naked was a bad thing?”
God thought for a moment and said, “All the other animals were covered in fur. Adam and Eve were not.”
The defense attorney took three steps toward the witness box. “We know that your book says that they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves. Isn’t it true that although Adam and Eve were, for the most part naked, the parts of themselves that they covered with fig leaves were naturally covered with fur just like the animals? Isn’t it possible that the fig leaves were intended as a stylish adornment that occurred to Eve after she ate of the fruit?”
The defense attorney continued, facing the judge, “Your Honor, I move that you dismiss the charges on the grounds that the original perpetrators did not have a mens rea, a guilty mind. It is obvious that Adam and Eve could not have known they were committing a crime. So even if they did eat the apple, which we are not conceding, they would have had no knowledge of good and evil before they actually ate the apple."
The prosecuting attorney jumped to his feet, “Your Honor, even if that’s true we have to follow the common law concept that ignorance of the law is no defense.”
The judge said, “I’ll take that under advisement and give you a ruling on the motion tomorrow. In the meantime let’s get on with the case.”
Defense attorney speaking again to the witness, “Let me get this clear, God. It is your testimony that you created the Garden of Eden and put that tree in the garden. You further pointed out that tree to Adam and Eve and told them not to eat from it knowing full well that your Divine Plan had them programmed to eat from it. Is that your testimony?”
Defense attorney, “The act of eating that Apple under those circumstances you called Original Sin and decided that the sin was so egregious that you would not only banish Adam and Eve and all their descendants from the Garden of Eden but proclaimed that Adam and all men following him would suffer extreme labor to survive and all women following Eve would suffer extreme pain in the labor of childbirth. Furthermore you decided that all people for the rest of time would be considered as sinners at birth and would remain so until they were cleansed of their Original Sin by being baptized. Is that the situation as it is now?”
Defense attorney to the judge, “I have no more questions of this witness.”
The Judge to God, “You’re dismissed. You may return to your seat.”
The judge to the prosecuting attorney, “Call your next witness.”
Prosecuting attorney, “Your Honor, God is my witness. I have no more witnesses. I rest my case.”
The Defense attorney rises to his feet and says, “Your Honor, since God provided the original perpetrators with the tree, made them aware of its use, and programmed them to commit the act, God is by his own testimony guilty of aiding and abetting and is complicit in the original crime. Therefore God would have to pay the same penalty as the original perpetrators. With all due respect I don’t envy you the necessity of making a ruling on that. I am going to suggest a more palatable way to end this trial. God’s own testimony identifies him as an accomplice. God was the only witness or evidence presented by the prosecution. As a matter of law, to sustain a conviction on the basis of accomplice witness testimony it is incumbent upon the prosecution to corroborate the witness’s testimony by other evidence. It is not sufficient to merely show the commission of the crime. I therefore move that since the prosecution presented no evidence other than the testimony of God, you dismiss the case against the defendant with prejudice on the basis of insufficient evidence.”
The judge announced, “So ruled. The charges against the defendant are dismissed. There is no such crime as Original Sin.”
A little later a reporter speaking into the video camera in front of the courthouse after the trial commented, “So there you have it. That’s what happened and what the judge ruled. But I know there will be a lot of people out there who simply won’t believe it.”